Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a challenging mental health condition characterized by an unstable sense of self, fluctuating moods, emotional dysregulation, and intense relationship instability. One of the most significant aspects of BPD is the fear of abandonment. This fear, which stems from the anxiety of being alone, is often linked to insecure attachment styles formed in childhood, particularly due to neglect or conditional love (Palihawadana et al., 2019).
In romantic relationships, individuals with BPD would go to extreme ends to prevent any real or perceived abandonment from their significant others. The article explores the ways in which the fear affects romantic relationships in individuals with BPD, and how it can shape and sabotage these relationships.
Perpetuating Unhealthy Relationships
The fear of abandonment in borderline personality disorder (BPD) is commonly seen as a symptom of insecure attachment styles such as preoccupied and disorganized attachments (Palihawadana et al., 2019).
Preoccupied Attachment: Individuals with this attachment style exhibit high anxiety and low avoidance in relationships, leading to a heavy reliance on their partners. For example, women with BPD and a preoccupied attachment style may remain in abusive relationships due to their intense fear of abandonment (Bond & Bond, 2004).
Disorganized Attachment: This attachment style is associated with emotional volatility and instability in relationships (Beeney et al., 2017). People with a disorganized attachment style may alternate between craving intimacy and fearing rejection, leading to problematic cycles of idealizing and then devaluing their partners. This toxic dynamic can become even more harmful if the partner also has an insecure attachment style.
Sabotaging Healthy Relationships
Unfortunately, in the context of BPD, even positive and supportive relationships often deteriorate over time and may end prematurely (Palihawadana et al., 2019). The over-reliance on a partner to soothe abandonment fears can lead to unrealistic expectations and blurred boundaries.
Pressure on the Partner: Partners of individuals with BPD may often take on the role of comforter to soothe and reassure. This dynamic is unsustainable and places immense strain on the relationship.
Frequent Conflicts: The fear of abandonment can also trigger frequent, intense arguments as individuals with BPD attempt to communicate their fears and maintain closeness with their partner. These explosive conflicts can wear down even the strongest relationships, ultimately causing them to unravel.
Conclusion
Borderline personality disorder can be a debilitating condition, and the trigger of abandonment can significantly affect relationships. But with appropriate treatment options such as dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), outcomes can be significantly improved (Hernandez-Bustamante et al., 2024). The quality of our relationships is vital for our overall well-being. If you or someone you know is struggling with BPD, seeking qualified support can help you regain stability within yourself and improve your relationships.
Written by: Kymberly Puah, MSc (Clinical Psychology)
References:
Beeney, J. E., Wright, A. G. C., Stepp, S. D., Hallquist, M. N., Lazarus, S. A., Beeney, J. R. S., Scott, L. N., & Pilkonis, P. A. (2017). Disorganized attachment and personality functioning in adults: A latent class analysis. Personality Disorders, 8(3), 206–216. https://doi.org/10.1037/per0000184
Bond, S. B., & Bond, M. (2004). Attachment styles and violence within couples. The Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 192(12), 857–863. https://doi.org/10.1097/01.nmd.0000146879.33957.ec
Hernandez-Bustamante, M., Cjuno, J., Hernández, R. M., & Ponce-Meza, J. C. (2024). Efficacy of Dialectical Behavior Therapy in the Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder: A Systematic Review of Randomized Controlled Trials. Iranian Journal of Psychiatry, 19(1), 119–129. https://doi.org/10.18502/ijps.v19i1.14347
Jeong, H., Jin, M. J., & Hyun, M. H. (2022). Understanding a Mutually Destructive Relationship Between Individuals With Borderline Personality Disorder and Their Favorite Person. Psychiatry Investigation, 19(12), 1069–1077. https://doi.org/10.30773/pi.2022.0079
Palihawadana, V., Broadbear, J. H., & Rao, S. (2019). Reviewing the clinical significance of ‘fear of abandonment’ in borderline personality disorder. Australasian Psychiatry, 27(1), 60–63. https://doi.org/10.1177/1039856218810154
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