Childhood trauma encompasses a range of adverse experiences, including physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, as well as neglect. When children are exposed to such early life challenges, it can result in a negative view of themselves and others. A negative self-image can manifest as distrust in one’s own worth, while a negative view of others results in skepticism towards relationships (Slade, 2019). Such distorted beliefs can lead to maladaptive behaviors, including self-sabotage, which is often rooted in the self-fulfilling prophecy: the idea that our expectations can unintentionally shape our reality (Madon et al., 2013).
But how do we identify these patterns in our romantic relationships?
Self-Sabotage in Romantic Relationships
Insecure attachments frequently arise from childhood trauma. Individuals with a preoccupied attachment style often exhibit high anxiety and low avoidance in relationships. They may perceive others positively but struggle with low self-worth; this could have stemmed from inconsistent caregiving during their developmental years. As a result, they may be highly dependent on their partner's availability for emotional safety; such dependency can lead to conflict when that support feels threatened. Lacking effective regulation strategies, these individuals may escalate tensions through unhelpful behaviors, ultimately driving their romantic relationships to an end (Slade, 2019).
This dynamic can be viewed through the lens of self-fulfilling prophecy. A preoccupied individual might feel undeserving of unconditional support, leading them to unconsciously expect their partner to abandon them. This belief can trigger outbursts or confrontations, creating a cycle that fulfills their fear of abandonment, thus confirming the prophecy.
On the other hand, those with a dismissing attachment style tend to exhibit high avoidance and low anxiety. They generally hold themselves in a positive light while perceiving others negatively. This often stems from negative childhood experiences that have instilled a deep distrust of others. These individuals might seek partners who mirror their dismissive traits, yet they often find themselves in relationships with preoccupied partners (Slade, 2019). This pattern is self-sabotaging, as partnerships between insecurely attached individuals are often marked by lower satisfaction and a higher likelihood of failure. The dismissing type’s expectation that others are untrustworthy can lead them to avoid intimacy, reinforcing their belief that they are better off alone.
In Summary
While we cannot change our past, we can take control of our present to shape a better future. Childhood trauma often strips us of agency, embedding erroneous messages about our worth and the trustworthiness of others. These beliefs can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors that cause deep emotional pain and sorrow in our **relationships**. Although the journey to unpack these beliefs is challenging, it can start today.
Article written by Kymberly Puah, MSc (Clinical Psychology), Clinical Psychology Intern, and edited for blog purposes by Inside Out
References
Madon, S., Scherr, K. C., Spoth, R., Guyll, M., Willard, J., & Vogel, D. L. (2013). The Role of the **Self-Fulfilling Prophecy** in Young Adolescents’ Responsiveness to a Substance Use Prevention Program. *Journal of Applied Social Psychology*, 43(9), 1784–1798. https://doi.org/10.1111/jasp.12126
Slade, R. (2019). Relationship Sabotage in Adults with Low Self-Esteem from **Attachment Trauma** in Childhood.
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